Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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