You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
