we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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