Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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