if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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