Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
