Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
