In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
