I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
