can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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