also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize