i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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