is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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