I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
being pregnant is like rehab
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
