I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize