We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
