i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
