You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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