i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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