I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
