when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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