I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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