I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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