All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
