In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
