whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
