nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
