this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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