I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
