your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
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