I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize