Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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