Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
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