Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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