I could make wine with my vomit
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
What changed your mind?
Being sober
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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