If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
You left your phone here
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