you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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