Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
