She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
