Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
