We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
