Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
