Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
