i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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