the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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