Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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