I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize