I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
