Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
