i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
