It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
