I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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