I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
