i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
