And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
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