There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
