For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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