Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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