I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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