speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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