We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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