thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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