Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
