You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
