I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I need a hoe opinion
go on
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
